


rendez-vous

by ghoulhoon



Category: BTOB
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationships, Light Angst, M/M, Mention of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 14:09:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21339511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulhoon/pseuds/ghoulhoon
Summary: The image of Ilhoon at Hyunsik's door should come as no surprise, given the message received earlier saying he would come by to get his necklace back — this and also the fact that he always returns to that place which was once his own home.
Relationships: Jung Ilhoon/Lim Hyunsik
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	rendez-vous

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Rendez-vous](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/532351) by ghoulhoon. 

> It's hard to gather enough confidence to post here but I guess I'm satisfied hehe  
and just FYI this fic was written in portuguese and posted with the name rendez-vous WAY BEFORE Hyunsik announced the album so I like to believe he took inspiration on me and not the other way round lmao  
anyways, have a good reading!

The image of Ilhoon at Hyunsik's door should come as no surprise, given the message received earlier saying he would come by to get his necklace back — this and also the fact that he always returns to that place which was once his own home. This practice isn’t an Ilhoon’s particularity though — it’s not uncommon to see Hyunsik at Ilhoon’s apartment as the slow evening rises.

There’s an uncomfortable, pitiful feeling in the room, and it never fails to make itself present, as if they’re meeting for the first time since the breakup. It cannot be distinguished whether the feeling that something is very weird comes from the inappropriate meetings or the fact that they’ve broken up in the first place.

And as far as “inappropriate” is concerned, these Rendez-Vous’ always exceeded themselves. Inappropriate not for what’s done, but for the extensive excuses made to make them happen. 

It all started when Ilhoon dropped by Hyunsik's apartment to leave a pair of clothes he had forgotten to pack with the rest of his things. (He wouldn’t mention, of course, the nights he spent crying himself to sleep with it by the pillow, while clinging to any fragment of Hyunsik's perfume on the fabric. Ilhoon has always been way too proud for that). The eldest invited him in while gathering some things that Ilhoon had also forgotten around, and when the time to farewell came, they both were paralyzed, unable to actually let each other go. Ilhoon made a few jokes, Hyunsik laughed like no one but Ilhoon makes him laugh, they held hands in a final plea to either let each other go away once and for all, or stay a little longer; and the decision to stay was made as if it was a good one. 

Ilhoon left the next day, full of guilt of course, but also glad to remember that his belongings put aside by Hyunsik had once again been forgotten, so he would eventually have to return to Hyunsik’s apartment, and it takes no genius to realize what comes next.

Perhaps, if they had a script dictating how the events should happen, things wouldn’t go as well as they did every time. Some merit must be given to naturalness, although "natural" does not necessarily mean "spontaneous". They both knew they didn't need to search for each other when they’re home to deliver forgotten belongings that aren’t even that special in the first place. But the core question has always been much simpler to explain: it’s all about naturally missing each other but not being brave enough to actually admit it. So they steal these moments and pretend it’s a one-time slip, not an ongoing cycle.

So, as it’s natural, Hyunsik invites Ilhoon in and says he is going to get his necklace on the other room, while Ilhoon contemplates that place which was so familiar once but now feels like a forbidden zone. Hyunsik returns, offers himself to wrap the necklace around the youngster's neck, and the callused fingers brush against the pale skin way more than the appropriate. Hyunsik sees the hairs on the back of Ilhoon's neck raising, each moment lasting longer than usual for both of them. 

Ilhoon turns around and announces that he has to leave as if it is an unpleasant obligation, and in his eyes, there’s a clear expectation that Hyunsik will oppose his words. Hyunsik says nothing, he never says, but his slow approach and the gaze fixed on the pink lips in front of him are clear enough to Ilhoon. There is no hesitation in the touch that returns to the neck, now far more comfortable than foreign as before, and even less hesitation in the meeting of the lips.

They kiss like the first time, when things were way more complicated but there was plenty of energy to deal with them. As if they need that touch on warm skin, that taste of familiarity, at least for an afternoon, and it will be over forever (or so they want to believe). 

The sex that eventually comes after the long, desiring kisses is always better than last time, or at least that's how they feel like, and maybe that's why they’re always returning to each other. Though it would be a mistake to say that it’s only about sex, obviously the pleasure that only they know how to give themselves is a differential. There’s a clear middle ground between the sensation of the sacred and the savage, something that could not be explained, and which, during the routine they no longer share, always got them to stop everything they were doing just to remember how good it felt to hear "You're wonderful" by the ear and to feel the teeth pressing on their skin. It's not like getting someone to have sex is hard for either of them in any way, and they know other people certainly could do what they used to do, as well or even better. But Hyunsik is always an "I left something at your place" away, and there’s a certain charm in keeping traditions.

But, after an afternoon cumming at the expense of an exhausted love, Ilhoon feels the expected melancholy from the sun setting behind the grey buildings, while lighting his cigarette at the window. Guilt comes too, it always does, and he doesn't want to look at Hyunsik lying on the bed because he knows it would only increase. But he can still hear him lazily rising from the bed and approaching, feeling the firm touch of Hyunsik’s hands on his waist, the tip of his nose running over the pale shoulders up to the back of his neck, resting on the top of the scalp. With his voice half-muffled but still dangerously close, Hyunsik dares to ask:

"Why are we broken up?"

Ilhoon doesn't answer, he just laughs bitterly, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. But Hyunsik demands an answer once again, and the younger simply cannot believe his ears. He turns to Hyunsik, his body framed by the gold of the setting sun, the reflections of the light hitting his blonde hair like a halo, and like this, full of grace and wrath, more than ever looks like an angel.

"Why? Because I talk too much and you talk too little. Because I never know what's going on in your head, and you couldn't take knowing what was going on in mine all the time. Because it seemed like I was trying so hard, and you never really got my pace.”

"These don't seem such a problem right now."

“Exactly, Hyunsik. They don’t seem, but they are, and this is what makes our relationship impractical.” 

“But what if we start—”

“Start over? And over and over and over.” Ilhoon pauses, taking a drag. “The truth is that none of us is going to actually change.” 

Hyunsik knows he can't argue with Ilhoon. They don't have this conversation every time they meet, but it wasn't unprecedented either, just... inevitably uncomfortable. Facing the dysfunctionality of things and the fact that no willpower can protect them from certain pains is an event way too harsh to become a routine. He turns to the window, takes the cigarette from Ilhoon’s pink fingers, and watches the smoke he exhales as Ilhoon shifts uncomfortably beside him.

“We can’t keep up with this.”

Hyunsik doesn’t answer.

“How long it’s been since we broke up? Three months? Four? We can't keep pretending there’s still something to take out of this relationship.”

The "mmhmm" that Hyunsik mutters remains a non-response, and it gets on Ilhoon's nerves.

“I'm serious. What kind of people break up and keep meeting like this?”

“You’re the one who came to my house.”

“And it’s the last time I do this.”

“Sure.”

Ilhoon knows Hyunsik is right to give little credit to his words, mostly because he can’t even believe in them himself. It’s very easy to be inattentive and slip into the thought of being with Hyunsik again. Not for lack of willpower to resist, but because the opposite force is always greater. The truth is that they never had someone like they had each other, and since the relationship didn’t end in a necessarily traumatically way, the desire to return is always lingering over the hearts that find it difficult to give up.

But there’s also a clear awareness that one way or another, this is going to end. There are few options other than permanently forgetting each other or gradually returning to a doomed relationship. That's because the things they love most about each other are also the reasons they can’t work together. And surely there must be an ideal world in which things go according to the will to make them work, but they have to admit they’re not living in it. 

So Ilhoon announces that he is going to take a shower and leave because the night is coming and he knows that the longer he spends there, the harder it will be to leave. But before he goes, Hyunsik holds him by the wrist and they share another kiss, this time bitter because of the cigarette and the need to give up on each other once and for all.

But when Ilhoon leaves, he's wearing the Nirvana T-shirt that Hyunsik likes so much, and he knows Hyunsik will be at his door soon enough, looking for the T-shirt and for some remaining love he will be willing to give. 

  
  
  



End file.
